I just realised something horrible today.

During the course of my life, I’ve been so used to look after other people’s wants and needs that I’ve totally lost the ability to feel inside myself, what I really want. And this not only regarding the big issues I’m currently struggling with such as, “what I am supposed to do with my life for the years to come?” etc., but also regarding little everyday things. I simply can’t make any decisions to what I’d like to do, simply because I can’t figure out what it really is that I want. Then, common sense takes over and I just ‘go with the flow’, or make a ’sensible’ decision, because of the lack of alternatives, which again sometimes unconsciously makes me feel trampled upon (say, if someone else then ‘decide for me’), even though I cannot come up with something to stand against it. Which is rather silly, because it can sometimes make me go (with a frown on my face): “I don’t want to deal with anything right now!”.

And this is terrifying at the best. I once had great dreams about what I’d like to do with my life, but they seem to be gone all of a sudden (because I thought they were still there somewhere). And I’m normally the kind of person who is very aloof, very strong-willed and stedfast, certain of things, and believe me I still am most of the time, but I’ve realised that I’m so not that any longer regarding the choices I have to make with my (everyday) life. One thing is that you can’t fulfil your dreams because of circumstances, quite another thing is when you don’t have any dreams at all. I seem to have lost the connection to my passions, my fire. I’ve seen that the only thing left is a bunch of burned-out coals, and I’m desperately looking for wood and matches in the dark.

And it scares me like shit.

Fluffy

Askew

Collection

On this day...

... in 2008: Rock solid
... in 2003: Mus[e]ums